


Controversy

by Eluvian



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, I obeyed my mind, Love makes you stronger not weaker, My mind said Dont sleep, The Jedi Code is Faulty, The Light Side of the Force (Star Wars), write this instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:40:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27238954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Kate finally found out who she was in her earlier life and is struggling to accept that.But after Carth also found out that she was actually the one who is responsible for his wife's death, he cannot face this and decides to leave the Ebon Hawk for good.She cannot let him leave.
Relationships: Carth Onasi & Female Revan, Carth Onasi/Female Revan, Carth Onasi/Revan
Kudos: 11





	Controversy

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!  
> I just want to say that ages ago when I first played KOTOR, I came across a fanfic that was posted on DeviantArt made by a certain Tatooine92 (I can't hate you.) That is about the same part of the game and I might have been kinda inspired...? I love that fanfic a lot. I see there is a person with this name on Ao3 as well, I am not sure if you are the same, but if so, and you read this, thank you.

She wasn’t asleep. Of course she wasn’t. Sleep had become scarce lately for her, as she did not feel like she deserved such pleasure. She wanted to get out of her body with the utmost contempt she has ever felt. Staring at the ceiling, she let the minutes fly by.

A noise brought her back to the present. Heavy steps. As if someone was carrying something.

She got off the bed, her limbs moving as if they belonged to somebody else. She gave them the command and they obeyed. Like a fugitive, worried, she glanced out from the door of her chamber and saw Carth carrying all his packages and approaching what was obviously the exit of the ship.

Her heart started to race as she panicked. The mere sight of him made her stomach churn with guilt and shame, but… she couldn’t just let him go. When she thought about that, the world felt grey and cold, and she was even more lost than before.

 _Weak,_ a voice in her head called. _Pathetic. This is the way these little motions kill. What good is it to you? What good is it that you are… what, attached to him? You don’t need him for anything. You could be so strong. You could be stronger than anyone. You ARE._

She wanted to shove her old self to a wall. To shake her body with force lightning. But these were chaotic thoughts of aggression. The circle never broke.

Anxiously, she gathered her strength and walked after Carth who was trying to be as silent as possible. Was he trying to sneak off? Really? He did not even have the guts to say goodbye?

Was that thought hers? Or was that Revan’s? She did not know anymore.

He hasn’t seen her yet. She could just… let him go and be done with it. After all, what good was he? There were several more people by her side to fight for her if needed.

 _You could just kill him._ The voice was still there. _He wants to see the killer in you? Show him that you are._

She swallowed back her tears, and called his name. It required more strength then her whole Jedi training. Well, at least the second. She did not really remember the first fully, yet.

He froze. Alert, he turned back, reaching for his gun on instinct, but when he saw her, his face went dark with recognition. And outrage.

“Are you spying on me?’ he spat the words with amplified disgust. She hoped that wasn’t all real.

‘I’m not… I wasn’t sleeping. What are you doing?’

She was relieved Carth had at least answered her. It was surely because of the shock. In the last days he had never replied to anything she’d said. He would just ignore her, pressing his lips together and trying to act as if she wasn’t there.

‘I’m leaving. For good.’ he said, form and strong, despite being as silent as he could manage. ‘Don’t try to stop me.’ That irritation was all too familiar.

She could not obey that wish. _Why should you obey any wish? You are Darth Revan, you foo._

Well, she was. She used to be. Or rather, somebody was that previously inhabited this body.

‘Carth, listen to me, please.’ She’d asked him that a dozen times already. Only silence had answered. But now he was cornered. He had already replied, and she knew he wouldn’t just stay silent or leave. She still had some effect on him.

He scoffed. ‘What could you possibly say? There’s no need of me being here. All I wanted was revenge for my family and I…. I won’t fight you. I can’t. But I can’t stay with you either, so I’M leaving. What you do from now on, I don’t care.’

That hurt, but she tried not to believe it. Carth would say that he did not care about things. It usually wasn’t true. The exact opposite was true.

‘Where would you go?’

She clearly lost her way of convincing. She could do better than this… if she weren’t so desperate.

‘I don’t care’, he snapped. ‘Anywhere. Just away from… here’, he added bitterly. _Away from me._

She understood. She understood too well. But she couldn’t let it happen.

‘You don’t have to do this.’

‘Huh. I thought you’d call me a coward. I guess I… nevermind. You can’t change my mind, so you might as well stop trying.’

‘Please, just give me a few minutes’? she pleaded, approaching him. He stiffed and took a step back. She stopped, her eyes dropping to the ground, standing in front of him like a convict.

_Look at you. Shameful little creature. Is that what you want to be?_

‘I don’t care if you hate me’, she started. That was already a lie, she knew the moment she spoke. ‘But this is a chance to change everything. If not for me, do it for yourself and your son. Don’t…’, she raised her hands when she saw he was going to object. ‘Please. We… we’ll get to save so many people if I… I’ll fight for what _I_ believe in now an I’ll… even though it’s not possible, I’ll try to make up for what she did.’

‘You mean what you did.’ He just could not let go of this accusation. Never.

She pressed her lips together. She wanted to scream. Part of her pitied him for what he was. A coward indeed. Not even capable of challenging her. Trying to sneak away in the middle of the night.

Part of her wanted to laugh at him. To crush him to the ground and face with content the shock and fear in his eyes when his assumptions prove to be true. To watch with delight the last spark in his eyes, while being the monster he wanted to see in her.

However this part was silenced by something. She didn’t know which part was truly her. The impulses kept coming and she kept rethinking them every time.

Peace is a lie. There is only passion.

It felt true at that moment. However she wished for peace. She thought that both codes, the Jedi and the Sith were faulty. She had come to that conclusion a long time ago. What held the absolute truth then?

‘Carth, I am not Revan. Not anymore. I decided not to be. I could… I _could_ let her free if I wanted.’

‘Why should I listen to-‘

‘Because you want to leave and this might be the only chance for me to tell you!’ She raised her voice with desperation. The boundaries were strangling her. She couldn’t speak freely because the others on the ship were asleep and she did not want them to witness this. Didn’t want to bother them. Didn’t want them… to exist now.

She looked for his eyes with her own.

‘Parts of her are still in me and I… _feel_ that I could choose the other paths. But that’s not what I want to do. I can choose to stray far from them, as I am doing now.’ Carth twisted his brows, maybe thinking about what she would do if she were not to control herself? ‘I hate what she’s.. what _I_ ’ve done and believe me, if I could, I would erase all that.’ Her half-whispery voice shook. Her throat hurt from keeping her voice down.

Tears fogged her vision, and as she blinked them away, hot streams covered her face. But before she closed her eyes, she saw something that might have been compassion in his eyes. She did not want his pity though. She just wanted…

_What do I really want?_

For it not to have happened. She did not want a past in which she hurt him.

With a sigh he stepped closer.

‘I don’t care if you hate me’, she repeated silently. ‘But… you’ve always helped me. I don’t know if this… what I’m trying to do is following the light side or not, but I want to right the wrongs I’ve done. She’s done. Whoever has done. I have the power to do it, they say, but the Force isn’t enough, I need to…’ The words were so difficult to form. ‘Having you close has always helped me to know what’s right or wrong. Or it just makes me feel… _good_ , that you’re here and I can count on you. Whoever you think I am now, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. If you left, I would be… just… less than I am now.’ She finished with a whisper. ‘I need you.’

The voice was silent now. It did not have words for this, probably realizing it has faced such an opposition it had no chance of defeating.

She did not open her eyes. She decided to accept whatever fate befell on her now. At least that was the plan so far. Who knew if the upcoming events would make her change her mind?

‘I don’t hate you. That’s the problem.’

She heard – and felt – him closing the distance between them, then a shockingly strong and firm grip on her arms. She didn’t move, deliberate not to defend herself. She did not know what he wanted, but whatever it was, she accepted it. But her body responded; her eyes shot open and she gasped – just before he pulled her into a tight embrace, squeezing the air out of her lungs.

He held her so close, his fingers, his nails digging into the fabric of her robe, the skin, the flesh on her back, his muscles tense, his body shaking. He held her like that for seconds; she did not count how many. It seemed longer than a lifetime yet shorter than a blink of an eye.

Then he pushed her away just as suddenly, avoiding her eyes afterwards and quickly taking a few steps back. His hands lingered in the air as if he didn’t know what to do with them. His shoulder rose and sank, again and again and again.

‘I- I’ll be in my room. Good night’, he said in a shaken, but mostly robotic voice, than he stumbled around her and disappeared into the darkness of the corridor.

She panted, her body relieved that it could finally breathe. She stared after him with eyes wide open, the memory of his heat against her, the pain that his fingers left still throbbing in her skin.

Her shoulders started shaking as she tried to stifle her sobs. With shaking breath, she slowly sunk to the floor, pulling her legs up and hugging her knees with her arms, with utmost relief. For she knew now, with certainty that she was forgiven.

  



End file.
